One of my favorite research articles on suicide treatment and prevention is "It’s Either Do It or Die: The Role of Self-Management of Suicidality in People with Experiences of Mental Illness" by Debbie Peterson and Sunny Collings. The authors state, "Suicide is often regarded as an undesirable symptom that should be eradicated, rather than an indicator of unresolved trauma or an understandable response to an unbearable situation."
For a long time, I was solely focused on trying to eliminate my suicidal urges, believing that if I could just stop them, I would be okay. But that approach didn’t work. Healing only became possible when I started to not just examine, but actively intervene in my negative thought patterns. I’ve held—and still sometimes hold—horrible beliefs about myself. I believe these stem, at least in part, from the lies that mental illness and suicidal thoughts whispered in my ear.
I understand that others may view this differently, but for me, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) was a game-changer. DBT didn’t help because there was something inherently wrong with me—it helped because I needed to learn to interact differently with the world around me. Trauma affects the brain, and the brain, in turn, forms neuropathways to help you survive the trauma. It does exactly what it’s supposed to do: it keeps you alive.
The challenge comes after the trauma when no one steps in to say, “Hey, let’s retrain your brain now.” The brain’s survival mechanisms, while crucial at the moment, don’t necessarily serve you once you’re out of danger. This doesn’t make you anything other than a survivor. Amid the chaos of trauma, I never learned how to manage my emotions or how to effectively communicate with others. Throughout my development, dissociation became my way of coping, but I needed to learn how to be present.
DBT, through skills like STOP, TIPP, and DEAR MAN, began teaching me a healthier way to interact with the world. My therapist and I would often play what we called a “game” when I was facing a decision or needed to assert myself. One of those tools was the dime game, which I found incredibly helpful. And I can’t forget “combat breathing”—my favorite skill, one I still use and teach. It helps regulate the nervous system enough for me to respond to situations more appropriately than I used to.
Another critical piece of the puzzle is connection. Did you know that the number one evidence-based intervention to curb suicidal urges is connection? Suicide and mental illness often whisper lies: “People have better things to do than deal with you.” “If you weren’t here, no one would miss you.” These lies perpetuate isolation and despair. But there’s always a need beneath the surface of suicidal urges, and if we focus only on eradicating those urges without addressing that underlying need, we will not be successful.
I’ve often written about what I call our “greatness qualities”—the unique strengths and capacities within each of us that suicide and mental illness try to suppress. And yet, even in our darkest moments, that greatness remains. Don’t let suicide or mental illness steal your greatness or the greatness of those around you.
If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, please reach out. Call 988, 911, or go to your nearest emergency room—you are worth it.
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