A nervous laughter, a soft sob, a quick embrace with your loved one as you hover over an object that forever will change your life...worries and mixed emotions make their way to the forefront of your mind. Am I going to be a good Mom? Is everything going to be okay? Is it the right time? What do I do next? You finally get your fingers to dial the number and give your doctor a call who congratulates you and tells you they’ll see you in around 6-8 weeks and to just simply take a prenatal vitamin. 6-8 weeks you think, that seems like a lifetime away.. How am I supposed to know that everything is real, is the baby going to be okay, what do I do to navigate all of these unknowns. So you navigate the next several weeks, Googling this, googling that, mustering up the courage to call the Dr who reassures you that “yes everything is normal”... and they mean “everything”. Okay, so this is the first step of surviving the unknown.
And then you see it... the tiny little microscopic fetus on the ultrasound that you have no idea what you’re even looking at but you’re surprised with how much you love someone you haven’t met, and then the beautiful heartbeat comes across the screen and you leave happy and relieved with the little ultrasound in your hand to show off. and this cycle repeats itself if you’re lucky, each visit, each time more and more reassurance.
The changing and growing already maybe starts for some but that moment you hear your baby cry after delivery for the first time, and you get to put them on your chest, this moment is when your whole life changes. You may be thinking yes of course it changes you have a new baby to take care of and keep alive, but what I’m referring to is you...no one talks about the changes that happen within you. Immediately overnight your identity and everything you’ve known to this point is lost. No one talks about the change and growth that happens for the Mom, to uphold that title comes with lots of hormone changes, sleepless nights, loss of self and hobbies, loneliness, happiness, recovery and anxiety. You begin to mourn this sense of freedom and the person you used to be, while immediately adjusting without choice and awareness into this new version of you. The one you signed up for without reading all of the fine print. So you push, cry, try to laugh, snuggle your baby and eventually a new rhythm begins, a new person blossoms one that is beautiful and raw. At times you think of your old identity and how you lived life before and then you hear your baby giggle for the first time, say Mama or give you a hug and then you realize that there’s no greater feeling than this.
The good news is, I can say.. You start to navigate small ways to find yourself again, in other ways you thrive such as becoming an amazing one handed multitasker, an entertainer, a cosmetologist, a planner, chauffeur and all of the other hats Moms carry. You discover yourself and your passions again or at least try. The journey is hard, and lonely at times even when you’re surrounded by love. Lean on to your supports, let yourself feel and process these emotions, seek help when you need it if things get too hard, dark or hard to function. I know it’s hard to ask for help sometimes, so do what you can. You are not alone in your experience, as these things just aren’t talked about. So hug the version of you before becoming Mom and hug yourself now. You are a warrior and this shit is NOT easy. Be proud of yourself Mama, you got this and remember there’s always another Mom to connect with the momarmy is pretty freakin great.
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